Want to be jealous civilly must also learn

Jealousy is an eternal thing. But how to be jealous in a civilized way to keep your lover and especially not break the law? This is also an issue that has been mentioned a lot after the recent noisy jealousy cases and many controversies.

Love needs to be nurtured by connection and sharing together, not raised in jealousy - Photo: Q. DINH

With the resonance from social networks, the story of jealousy is not new, but it easily becomes a topic of discussion. Doctor of sociology, master of psychotherapy Pham Thi Thuy (lecturer at the Ho Chi Minh City National Academy of Public Administration) talked with Tuoi Tre about this story. Ms. Thuy said:

- Jealousy is a very natural human psychological mechanism.

The need to belong to someone, to have someone belong to us, is something everyone has had since childhood. Even as children, people do not want to share or lose someone important to them.

This is an instinctive defense mechanism, especially when in love with a deep, private bond. And because of love, we always want that person to be ours alone, jealousy becomes even more profound.

Jealousy is instinctive but you can't be jealous however you want. Because we areeducated , have personality and culture, all our behaviors need to be based on understanding, training, and morality, and cannot be excessive, harming ourselves and others.

Dr. PHAM THI THUY

Learn to control, learn to communicate to be jealous in a civilized way.

* Civilized jealousy is probably not a new thing because it has been mentioned many times. In your opinion, what kind of jealousy is considered civilized?

Dr. PHAM THI THUY

- It's true that when you're jealous, your instincts are very strong and it's hard to control your emotions. But it's completely possible to train yourself to be jealous in a civilized way.

First, learn the skill of controlling emotions, improve emotional intelligence to recognize jealousy, have enough courage to stop instinctive actions, not lose reason, not be dragged away by jealousy. This step is important, because if you can't do it, anyone will easily lose control of their emotions and behavior.

Next, you need to know how to communicate. A third person will not appear naturally if there are no problems in the relationship between two people. Therefore, you need to be able to talk to your wife (husband) or lover.

Talk so that both sides understand each other better, are calmer, behave properly and avoid jealousy, know how to handle problems more rationally, and not lose their mind out of anger.

There are people who are jealous because of illusions, always in a state of speculation and imagination. To be honest, women are more susceptible to this. And this can easily foster jealousy, making it rise stronger and more reckless, so each person needs to remind themselves to avoid speculation, "more important than the evidence" in the relationship.

It is important to consider your relationship, if it is good, how can anyone interfere? Of course, there are cases where a third person intentionally destroys the feelings and marriage of others. But we must remind each other that first and foremost, if there is no instability from the person involved, it will not be easy to create opportunities for others.

Re-examine your relationship

* As you just said, sometimes it's due to imagination and jealousy. But there are also people who are insanely jealous, how should we deal with this situation?

- Pathological jealousy can be a symptom of a mental disorder, unable to use reason or normal ways to balance emotions, easily causing harmful behavior to oneself and others. This case needs to be examined and treated by specialists such as psychiatrists.

Anyone who falls into this situation, I would like to remind you not to conclude your own illness just by reading some information somewhere or "consulting with Dr. Google". You cannot be subjective, because the consequences can be very dangerous, because even a psychologist is not capable of intervening, but a combination of a psychiatrist and a psychologist is needed.

* But love is hard to force. Is there a need to hold on when the loyalty in love is no longer intact?

- As mentioned, a third person often intervenes when the relationship between two people has a crack. When the two people involved can no longer connect or talk to each other, they need the support of trusted people such as parents, friends, and relatives.

If all efforts still cannot save the situation, both of you need to check yourself to see if you still love each other. When it is really over, breaking up is a civilized way of behaving, not jealousy or trying to find a way to hold on any longer.

Keep happiness for yourself

* Prevention is better than cure, we often say. Is there a way to prevent toxic jealousy?

- The most important thing is to nurture love in love and marriage. Not only nurturing love between husband and wife, but also nurturing love in your heart to maintain fidelity. Maintain respect for each other, connect so that when there is a problem, you can sit down and talk and solve it together.

It is especially important to value family. Adultery, jealousy, and divorce are increasingly common, a result of disregarding family values, which are an important bond for Vietnamese people. The danger is that many young people, faced with the unstable reality of family relationships, are afraid to get married or marry late.

Vietnamese family values are sacred and need to be preserved. If you overemphasize your ego, you will not want to get married and may even get divorced.

In my many years of psychological counseling, I have found that adultery, divorce, and late marriage all stem from a disregard for family values. Many people after divorce suffer, face difficulties, have poor mental health, and become victims of their own actions.

Source: https://tuoitre.vn/muon-ghen-van-minh-cung-phai-hoc-20250306101952478.htm