Chinese young people seek 'virtual' parents

The parents of a middle school girl in Shanghai are just two social media influencers, often livestreaming or posting videos about parenting. They always show a positive, affectionate perspective on parenting - something Fan has never experienced since her parents divorced a few years ago. She lived with her father for a while and is now with her mother but there is no connection.

The 13-year-old girl became a fan of the couple on Douyin from cute videos posted about how to behave when your child hasn't done his homework and is reminded by his teacher. Instead of traditional, disciplined parenting methods, they choose to confide and express their feelings.

The fan said that even though her online parents don't know who she is and rarely respond to messages, the girl doesn't care. She enjoys sharing her feelings with them and is thrilled when she occasionally receives encouraging messages.

“It was like seeing a new path, receiving emotional support that I couldn't get in real life,” she said.

The number of young people looking to digital parents like Fan is not small. There has been a rise in parenting influencers on Chinese social media in recent months. The viewers are not parents looking for advice but young people attracted by the open and caring way of the sharer.

Many of them feel disconnected from their parents and consider their "screen parents" as emotional support.

The couple fans have been following has received a lot of love from young people on social networks since the second half of 2023. In a clip shared last November, the two danced happily under street lights after sending a message to child. The content is a sincere apology for putting pressure on your child because you hope the child has a stable job.

“Parents are unable to give their children a carefree and comfortable life, so they always hold out hope that their children will find a stable job. But seeing the child's sad eyes, the parents knew they had made a mistake," the message said.

Like many videos in this genre, the video is considered staged. This couple declared their desire to change parents' perceptions about raising their children. Its sincere tone and emotional expression are resonating with many people in China.

“I felt healed when I heard that encouragement,” one user commented.

By early 2024, the couple had more than one million fans on Douyin. Many young people have shared traumatic experiences to this account and sought encouragement from their "digital parents".

The “digital parent” trend continues to grow, as does the age range of viewers. Zhang Peixian, 35, also adopted a few influencers as “digital parents.” Interacting with them helps the 35-year-old woman feel like she can compensate for the feelings she lacked when she was a child.

Zhang's childhood home was not a happy place. She said her father often beat her mother and created boundaries with the children. That's why when she saw the happy smiles of parents on social networks, she was moved.

“In my 35 years of life, I have never seen my mother smile like that,” Zhang said.

Wu, 43, who has been blogging about family life since a few months ago, also attracted more than 70.000 followers on the Xiaohongshu platform. Many of her followers considered her a digital parent. From here, the 43-year-old woman received many sharing messages.

Readers' stories often shocked Wu. One person said his father only allowed bathing at certain times and would beat him if he did not obey; Another account said his parents forced him to study for many hours, even though he was diagnosed with a congenital heart disorder. She even received text messages saying she intended to harm herself.

“The emergence of 'digital parents' is a sad thing for society as people look to social networks for emotional comfort. And their real parents don't fulfill their responsibilities," Wu said. The woman also said that she always replies to every message because she believes that the other person always expects positive things in life.

Yu Zehao, a psychotherapist based in the central Chinese city of Wuhan, said digital parents are on the rise to fill an emotional hole for many children. While many Chinese parents often focus on teaching their children discipline, digital parents provide emotional support.

“Children are being trained to become an individual that conforms to what society requires, just like a cake is molded in a machine,” Yu said. “This is similar to the concept of parenting, where parents believe that if their children do not follow certain rules, they may be miserable in the future.”

Although digital parents are helping to balance emotions, expert Yu worries about the risk of weakening young people's sense of reality.

“It's like being on a diet. They can help us switch to a healthier lifestyle, but they should not replace regular meals in the long run because they are not nutritious enough and create a growing rift between members,” Yu warned.

Female blogger Wu is also concerned about whether influencers have the qualifications and skills to handle all the emotional messages they receive from fans?

As a parent herself, Wu feels qualified to play the role of digital parent, but many other influencers are not in that position. Not to mention, there are risks children face when forming a close relationship with a stranger online.

As of late February, a parenting influencer with more than 2 followers on Xiaohongshu suddenly had his account closed. It's unclear what happened, but many fans believe the blog posts — written from the perspective of a father raising a teenage daughter — were actually written by women.

But Fan doesn't seem to care that her digital parents might be imposters.

“The important thing is that they provide me with certain emotional benefits,” she said.

Minh Phương (Follow SixthTone)