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| Illustration: Phan Nhan |
Lam pushed the door open and entered her new apartment. No, to be exact, her new apartment. After leaving the place she had been attached to for over 10 years…
The new place was an old house, the owner painted a layer of jade green paint over the old pink paint according to her wishes. The house was empty. But there was not a single invisible or visible eye watching and scrutinizing. And of course, a house filled with furniture and belongings did not mean it was empty. The most frightening thing for sensitive women like Lam was always feeling empty and lonely in the middle of a house full of things, many belongings, many people, where everything she touched felt like it was not hers, no one could share it with.
“Oh my god, close the door gently. Durability depends on the user, using it like you do is like destroying it” – When she quickly closed the refrigerator to cook dinner quickly, Hung sat watching football and said. His voice was soft, but it sounded like a hiss. Lam ate the rice like it was dregs.
“Do you think everything I use is durable? My phone has been used for 5 years without a scratch or a single drop. If you let your child hold it and drop it like you do, you should buy a phone made of stone to avoid wasting it.”
Well, each person has their own personality, it's okay to close your eyes and live together. There's no third person to interfere. There's no one to love or think about anything other than your husband or wife. There's not even a single argument... Then one day she suddenly realized that she had changed so much when every day, every day she lived with hidden waves. The biggest hidden wave was that day, when she invited her best friend to the wine cellar on Christmas Eve. After more than 10 years of marriage, she had asked her husband to go somewhere to celebrate Christmas, just to go out and watch people walking around, to enjoy a bit of the warm atmosphere, to admire the sparkling colors of the decorative lights and listen to the short, bustling ringtones. "Are you crazy? It's so cold, the traffic jam is like this, stay home and enjoy yourself, instead of jostling each other to smell the dust and smoke, farting at each other, sticking your head out for the scammers to rip you off, even the parking ticket increased 5 times."
She returned home drunk, after nearly a dozen phone calls from Hung. The child was already asleep. Lam tried her best but could not lift herself into the bedroom, collapsing in the living room. She lay curled up in the living room, next to her daughter’s piano. It was cold, no mat, no blanket. Suddenly she felt sad thinking about the times she passed a bridge, a porch late at night, where homeless people were huddled to keep warm. She wished she had a blanket to give them, and felt guilty when she came home to lie in a warm blanket. Yet Lam’s roommates looked at her curled up in the cold and indifferently walked past. Even though they were only separated by a wall, they were as far apart as two separate oases.
After that winter night, Lam bitterly realized that the difference between people is compassion. Hung did not even have compassion for family, so waiting for him to change was as difficult as picking stars from the sky. She decided to step out of the so-called home - a place where they never raised their voices at each other, a place considered happiness in the eyes of many people.
- Why did you choose dad in the past? - Nhi asked, while mother and daughter were installing curtains for their new home.
- Mom thinks dad is meticulous, practical, and experienced in life. Dad has many advantages that a romantic person like mom cannot have at the age of twenty-three.
- I don't see that as an advantage, Mom! Just a little bit can be an advantage, a little too much is no different from a prison guard. But you should know that a romantic person should live with flowers and grass, not choose prison! - The 14 year old girl smiled. Lam chuckled, looking at her child, Nhi had grown up without her knowing.
* * *
Van brought a jasmine plant on the balcony of the new apartment. After all these years, Van still remembers Lam's passionate love for jasmine. Lam's parents' small house had a small balcony, and she only grew jasmine. Every time the flowers bloomed, in the morning, waiting for her friend to go to school, the scent lingered around Van. Van still found it strange, he could always sense the unexpected things happening to Lam, even if it was just a few casual lines as light as a breeze on Facebook. This strong woman never mentioned her private life on Facebook. When she did, she included a picture she drew of a lonely little bird in the late afternoon, enough for him to understand and love Lam to the point of heartache. Even though they had been apart for many years, and in the eyes of his friends, Van was always the one who didn't pay any attention to women.
There was a time when Van had hoped to marry Lam. It was when they had just finished their university entrance exams, and the two of them were often free, often sitting and chatting for hours in Van's small garden. Van's house had a small fish pond, with clumps of ripe red strawberries swaying on the water. Little Lam at that time, her eyes squinted as she told Van about stealing strawberries when she was a child, falling into the pond, being chased by dogs... Van sat and pounded salt and chili for her to dip the strawberries in - they had to be ripe, crunchy, and crunchy, and the chili had to be just a little bit spicy, not spicy because Lam liked to see the bright color of the chili in the bowl of salt but couldn't eat spicy food. Her eyes narrowed, but she still smiled, showing off her crooked teeth. Then the two of them talked about their dream of a small house with trees, flowers...
- My family has never had a garden, but I love gardens. If we still live close to each other like now, remember to take care of the garden. I will come to your garden to see it. Remember to plant jasmine and lotus for me to see. If there is a grapefruit tree, it will be even better, like the corner of my grandfather's garden, very fragrant every spring. I love those scents!
At that time, both Van and Lam did not know who they were in love with, but for some reason the thought of marrying Lam arose in Van's mind. Van even imagined planting a row of jasmine flowers by the pond, dropping some lotus flowers on the water's surface, and planting a grapefruit tree in the corner of the garden in the direction Lam pointed. Lam would not need to occasionally stop by, but would rather become the owner of that garden.
Lam chose to study in Saigon, Literature in Hanoi , without a chance to confess her love, the romantic girl boasted that she had a lover. Had a lover and then left him. Oh no, to be exact, the lover left. “Forget about him, love me, I promise I will never leave you!” - Van held Lam’s hand tightly, looking straight into her eyes. “Crazy!” - Lam replied and laughed out loud. She leaned her head on her friend’s shoulder. “A lover will leave me. No love lasts forever. But a best friend won’t, my friend. Just like that, sometimes when I’m tired, let me lean on you.” Lam just needed a support, in moments like that. That corner of the garden was peaceful, but holding hands and leaning your head was not enough to become love.
Van won a scholarship to Australia. On the day of departure, he said:
- After I finish school, I will come back to marry you. Can you wait for me?
- No, I only marry the person I love. You are my best friend, not my lover.
Then Lam had one or two more love affairs before sending her wedding photos to share her joy with Van. For the first time, Van felt his heart broken like the songs he sometimes heard. Van found that girl strange, how could she love so many people but not love him? Could it be that love always has its own reasons, not based on any reason of this life?
Van's life was all about studying and working, no more thoughts of love since Lam got married, also since there was an invisible wall in their conversations. Occasionally, when talking about the old garden, Van could rarely read in the voice of the woman approaching her forties the same innocent excitement as when she was eighteen or twenty.
Even though, Van himself has long since left that time and can never return.
- Are you okay, Lam?
This time, instead of the usual “are you okay?”, Van chose to ask directly.
- No, I'm fine!
- We've been close for so many years, I'm not stupid enough to let you just say whatever you want. Don't you want to share with me anymore?
- Not…
- Do you need my shoulder?
- You are so far away, I can't even get it. And I am so far away too, is it still the old days?
Van chose Saigon to start a career after many years of stable work abroad. Many times he missed his old garden, missed his hometown, wanted to leave everything behind to return home, but regretted all the years of studying and working hard to build a career in a foreign land. There was no reason important enough for him to give up his achievements to return. And just because of a few vague sharing lines, just because of the drawing of a lonely little bird, he was able to arrange everything, to the confusion of many friends. Only Van understood that when Lam needed a shoulder to lean on, he would definitely return, and that was exactly what he had wanted for many years.
* * *
Van realized that after the breakup, the girl became more reserved. She no longer had the habit of patting him on the shoulder innocently when expressing her satisfaction about something. Her eyes also no longer lit up when she smiled, only occasionally shimmering like a little ray of afternoon sunlight left behind when the sky turned to dusk.
Sometimes Lam looked at Van from behind, secretly hiding a sigh and trying to hold back her emotions when he still remembered all the plants and flowers she liked, after all those years. All those years, there were times when she was so busy and immersed in a series of depressing days, that even she almost forgot her own hobbies.
- If we were in the countryside, we could grow a garden freely. You haven't been back to the countryside for a long time, nor have you visited the old garden, so you don't know. I planted a row of jasmine flowers, a corner of the lotus pond, and two grapefruit trees. Here, we can only plant ornamental lotus for a little color, and jasmine, but if we want to grow grapefruit in an apartment, Lam, we can't!
Lam burst out laughing at Van's regretful expression. He was helping her plant lotus plants in a small ceramic pot in the corner of the balcony. She pretended to turn away to hide the tears that had suddenly fallen. For decades, Lam had gotten used to not even being able to indulge her own desires and preferences, let alone having someone pamper her.
- You are so lucky to have a garden to return to. But you should plant many kinds of plants that you like or that many people like. One day someone will come into the garden and know why you planted these flowers or those flowers, and they will feel sad.
- I don't care about that. I just hope that one day Lam will stay in that garden. And you don't mind those plants, do you?
Lam avoided Van's eyes that were looking at her longingly. Last night, Nhi said, Mom, since you were little you've always dreamed of having a garden to grow plants but never had one, and there you have it, Uncle Van is already a garden.
There is an out-of-season lotus blooming in the spring garden.
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