Pains that no one dares to name.

There are women who enter marriage and, before they even have a chance to get used to being a wife and daughter-in-law, have to silently bear the pain and self-respect of their husbands. Below is the story of an older sister who witnessed the sadness in her sister-in-law's eyes and felt helpless watching her brother silently let his wife bear all the pressure...

Dear Ms. Thanh Tam !

I've written and deleted this letter many times. There are family stories that are harder to put into words, especially when you love each other deeply. But I think if I keep it all inside, I might choke to death.

I am the eldest sister in the family. I've been married and living far from home for over 10 years. Life in a foreign land isn't easy, so my husband and I always try our best to work hard and save every penny. We only manage to visit our parents once every one or two years. We think that both sets of parents are getting old, and they have so many medical expenses and living costs to worry about. So instead of buying things for ourselves and visiting our parents more often, my husband and I always try to save up and give them some money to ease their burden. Every time I go home, I just want to spend more time with my mother and hug my father a little longer.

I used to think that my biggest regret was not being able to be near and take care of my parents. But during my recent trip home, I realized there's another kind of sadness hanging over my family.

My younger brother got married just over a year ago. From the time they were dating until their wedding, my sister-in-law was so cheerful and friendly. She called me to ask about everything and even said she would take care of our parents in my place. But this time, when she came home, I noticed she was completely different. She was awkward and avoided eye contact with my brother and sister-in-law. During family meals, she ate very quickly and then asked to go back to her room. The atmosphere in the house was so heavy that I felt like everyone was trying to avoid eye contact. At first, I thought she was just not used to being a daughter-in-law. But a woman's intuition told me things weren't that simple. It took me a while to finally have a chance to talk to her privately. After just a few questions, she burst into tears.

She told me that her husband had mumps as a child which caused complications leading to orchitis, affecting his fertility. They've been married for over a year without children, and my parents are starting to get anxious. My mother has repeatedly hinted at the fact that "my daughter-in-law still can't have children," comparing her to other people's children. One day she even said something very harsh, leaving my wife speechless.

The greatest pain is witnessing my sister-in-law not defending herself at all - Illustration photo

What hurt me the most was that my sister-in-law didn't try to defend herself at all. She said she didn't want her husband to be hurt or lose face in front of his parents, so she accepted being misunderstood as someone with problems. My brother secretly went for checkups and researched everywhere. The doctor said the chances of conceiving naturally were very low, and the best option was artificial insemination using donated sperm. But my brother refused. He said he'd rather not have children than raise a child who doesn't share his bloodline.

Hearing that, I felt both sorry for my younger brother and angry at him. I understand the pain a man feels when he learns he has difficulty conceiving. That feeling of inferiority and disappointment must be terrible. But I also feel heartbroken for my sister-in-law. She has to bear so much alone: ​​the pressure of being a daughter-in-law, the unintentional criticism from her in-laws, the despair of wanting a child, and the responsibility of protecting her husband's self-respect. She told me that many nights she just wanted to give up. She felt lonely even within her own marriage. Her husband was silent, her in-laws were critical, and she didn't know how to move forward. Hearing that hurt me so much, it felt like I was the one at fault.

As his older sister, I know my younger brother is kind but also proud and weak. He loves his wife, but lacks the courage to face the truth. He's afraid of disappointing his parents, afraid of what his relatives will say. And perhaps, deep down, he hasn't yet accepted himself. I feel sorry for my parents too. They've lived their whole lives thinking, "We must have grandchildren to carry on the family line." Perhaps they didn't intentionally hurt their daughter-in-law, they just didn't know the truth. But it was the silence of everyone that was turning the house into a suffocating place.

Since that day, I've been thinking a lot. I want to help them, but I'm afraid that speaking out will only make things more awkward. What advice should I give my brother? Should I tell our parents the truth? And how can I help my sister-in-law not feel alone in this marriage? What I fear most is that one day, my sister-in-law will no longer be able to endure it, Ms. Thanh Tam . I hope you can give me some advice.

I would like to remain anonymous.

Dear sister!

The first thing Thanh Tam wants to say is that there are no bad people in her family, only people who are hurting in different ways.

Your sister-in-law is experiencing emotional exhaustion. When a woman is under pressure to have a child, protect her husband's self-esteem, and silently endure criticism, she can easily fall into prolonged stress, depression, or lose faith in the marriage. What she needs right now isn't "keep going" advice, but the feeling that she's no longer alone.

As for my brother, the most difficult thing for him isn't just the issue of reproduction, but the feeling of losing his masculinity and the fear of being judged. Many men choose silence because they think avoiding the issue will make things easier, but in reality, that silence pushes the woman beside them to bear the brunt of it all.

At this time, you can be a very important bridge. First, talk to your brother privately with empathy instead of blame. He needs to understand that protecting his wife is not "losing face," but the responsibility of a mature husband. If you can't decide on IVF yet, you and your wife should also seek psychological and medical counseling together to understand the options instead of just reacting with hurt feelings.

Secondly, you should quietly support your sister-in-law. Sometimes, just saying, "I understand how hard you've been," is enough to give her strength to endure. Also, be understanding; your sister-in-law loves and cares for her husband, but she also longs to be a mother. And her parents are just as eager for grandchildren as your parents are. Without finding ways to balance these emotions, it will be very difficult to resolve the issue at its root.

From the parents' perspective, the truth should be shared at the appropriate time, but with the agreement of both the younger brother and his wife. The sister-in-law shouldn't be left to bear the false accusation alone for too long. Once the truth is revealed, many parents will change their attitude, realizing they have unintentionally hurt their children.

And finally, families need to understand that the value of a marriage lies not just in having children. A child born out of love and mutual understanding is still precious. But if that decision cannot yet be made, the first thing to save is the marital relationship and the mental health of those involved.

Some wounds can only be healed when people stop hiding the truth from each other and begin to stand by one another, instead of standing by their own pain or pride.

Source: https://phunuvietnam.vn/nhung-noi-dau-khong-ai-dam-goi-ten-238260529212029186.htm