Decoding the mechanisms of psychological defense

This renowned psychology book offers readers a profound exploration of the hidden psychological defense mechanisms within each individual. Instead of simply offering straightforward advice on how to live positively, the book directly addresses a question everyone has asked themselves: why do we repeatedly engage in behaviors that hurt us, anger us, or self-sabotage?

Life itself is a source of pain.

-Norman O. Brown-

Consider the following statements about who we are:

Humans are primates with a prolonged, helpless infancy and an even longer period of dependent childhood.

To survive in a dangerous world , we have developed an emotional defense system that helps us cope with critical situations or react quickly to threats.

Homo sapiens (modern humans) are social animals; historically speaking, they lived in herds or tribes with complex internal hierarchies, exhibiting psychological and emotional connections among members that fostered the survival of the species.

These traits might seem like mere anthropological markers, not significantly impacting your personal life or daily concerns. But in reality, each trait plays a crucial role in our lives. They influence every relationship we have, from parents and children to friends and colleagues, and even romantic partners. They are vital to our search for a sense of self-worth and dignity.

These traits might initially seem like just some interesting anthropological facts, not directly related to you or your everyday concerns. But in reality, each trait plays a profound role in our lives. They not only influence individual relationships—between parents and children, between friends or colleagues, between lovers—but are also at the heart of our personal journey in finding meaning and self-worth.

From a developmental perspective, this evolutionary legacy has shaped each person's individual life stories, the personality we develop, and the psychological issues that may haunt us.

Anxiety and worry follow people throughout their lives. Photo: Accident Care Chiropractic.

1. A long, vulnerable childhood: This is the period when we rely on our parents to meet our essential needs for development and to protect us from the dangers of the world. This dependence is at the core of the human experience. If our needs are not met in childhood, during this vulnerable and helpless stage, if our parents make us feel insecure from a young age, it will affect our ability to trust and depend on others throughout the rest of our lives.

Consider the case of Brian, one of my clients. His father abandoned the family when he was still an infant, and his mother subsequently engaged in a series of short-lived relationships. As an adult, Brian became isolated and withdrawn, finding it difficult to trust or depend on anyone. When he married, he chose a woman he could easily control and secretly installed surveillance equipment in their home to monitor her every move.

Another client of mine, Melissa, also came from a similarly chaotic family. She tended to be clingy and possessive in her friendships and romantic relationships. From the very beginning of a relationship, she would completely fill herself with the other person's image, constantly worrying that one day they would leave her.

2. From birth, children carry within them intense feelings and fears about the world they will live in: A crucial role of parents is to help their children manage these emotions. For example, by soothing or reassuring them, or comforting them when they feel hurt. If we grow up in the opposite environment, where parents cannot provide emotional support, we will always find it difficult to manage our own emotions.

I worked with Sharon for many years. She came to me seeking help from an uncontrollable vicious cycle of binge eating and vomiting. Her parents divorced early, and her mother controlled her children's lives with iron discipline, avoiding any intense emotions or conflict, to the point of completely denying that her second husband was abusing Sharon.

As an adult, Sharon couldn't cope with intense emotions and turned to food as a sedative. Vomiting became an unconscious way to release unbearable feelings, leaving her with a temporary, empty, and peaceful state.

Another client of mine is Aidan. He was born into a very chaotic family and had a turbulent emotional life. He was always overwhelmed by his own emotions. Even a minor issue at work became a major crisis. His frustration often led to conflicts with colleagues. When he faced conflict in his relationships, it usually ended in an emotional breakdown.

3. We all want to feel important and have a place in the world: We need to feel our intrinsic value and want those around us to respect us. When our initial environment fails to provide this sense of personal value, we will struggle with problems such as low self-esteem and self-deprecation for the rest of our lives.

Sam was born into a family of perfectionists and extremely strict parents. He always felt he could never live up to their standards and expectations. Later, even as a tall and handsome man, he still felt inferior and unattractive.

Even though he was married and quite attractive to the opposite sex, he occasionally went to gay restrooms whenever he felt desperate. He didn't go there to satisfy his carnal desires; he went there for the feeling of receiving admiring and lustful glances from other men.

Jessica, another of my clients, comes from a large family with a history of drug abuse, mental illness, and a failed marriage. She grew up with her mother's ideals of artistic talent and her academic excellence. To others, Jessica was never a "failure." But deep down, she lacked confidence in her abilities.

Whenever she remembers her childhood, she feels numb with shame. Even as an adult, she was unable to fulfill her artistic dreams. She couldn't have a proper relationship because deep down she always longed for a relationship where she received more love and affection.

These three psychological issues are inherent in a person's living environment and experiences. Throughout my years as a therapist, most of the clients I've encountered have faced one or more of these three problems.

Source: https://znews.vn/nhung-loai-lo-lang-can-ban-cua-con-nguoi-post1655380.html