How parents can help their children overcome the fear of failure.

Li Songwei, a PhD in psychology from Peking University (China), shared the story of his 9-year-old daughter:

When he enrolled his daughter in swimming lessons, he discovered she was terrified of water and couldn't learn no matter how hard he tried. The instructor's attempts to reassure her only had the opposite effect. The father was distraught, unsure how to help his daughter overcome her fear of water and build confidence.

He recounted that at first, his daughter wasn't too afraid of swimming, but after choking on water a few times and receiving guidance from her coach, she gradually became more and more fearful.

"If I say 'Come on, you can do it' or 'Come on, you're so good,' she might temporarily suppress her fear; but as soon as she sees someone else swimming better than her, she'll only become more anxious and fall into a spiral of choking" ... So, instead of encouraging or praising his daughter, Li Songwei quietly told her a secret: "Everyone has to be afraid 100 times when learning to swim. You've been afraid a dozen times already, and you can learn if you're afraid 80 more times."

As a result, his daughter quickly overcame her fear, focused on learning to swim, and became a skilled swimmer, like a baby dolphin.

When children understand that their fears are accepted and that being afraid is normal, their reaction will be different. As parents, we all hope to raise a child who is bright, confident, and not afraid of failure. However, achieving this cannot rely solely on praise.

In today's world, learning to overcome failure is just as important as striving for success. (Illustrative image)

Try these communication skills to help your child regain their confidence.

1. Acknowledge your fears.

Telling your child not to be afraid or forbidding silly fears isn't an effective way to help them overcome it. You need to acknowledge it because it's a reality. Give your child a chance to talk about it and show that you truly understand. Fear needs to be acknowledged before you can help your child overcome it.

2. Recount your own experience.

You could explain that failure is a part of life and happens to everyone. You could share examples of failures you've experienced.

Dr. Mintzer said, "Parents can model how to cope with their own disappointments, such as losing a job promotion. While everyone likes things to go according to plan, it's important to teach children that it's okay if things don't go as planned."

A child's failure is an opportunity for parents to teach them problem-solving and acceptance skills. You and your child can try to think of what you can do next time to increase your chances of success.

3. Show empathy

One day in the park, a group of children were playing soccer, and a mother and son were watching. Seeing that her son seemed to want to play, the mother asked him to join. But the boy was too shy to approach, so the mother angrily scolded him: "Oh my God, what's there to be ashamed of! You're such a coward!" Finally, the boy blushed and burst into tears.

For a shy and introverted child, it's difficult to get them to do something if you constantly tell them to "do it." Only when parents sit down, understand, and know where their child is struggling can they help them.

A parent recounted: " Once, my son spent two hours working on a math problem without success, just lying there sighing. I immediately went over to him. After understanding the situation, I first expressed my empathy: 'Let me take a look at your problem, this is really difficult for a third-grade student.' Then I continued: 'Actually, when I was a child, I was terrible at math. You're much better than me. Don't worry, let's take the time to figure it out.' After hearing this, my son was greatly comforted and asked if he could solve the problem himself."

In fact, the key to empathetic communication is: understanding the child's difficulties, helping them develop solutions, and supporting them in implementing them. When you experience emotions from the child's perspective, the child will naturally feel the care and understanding of their parents.

Only when parents sit down, understand, and know where their children are struggling can they truly help them. (Illustrative image)

4. Let your child know that failure is also an option.

Everyone feels pressured not to fail and shows fear, forgetting that it's an important part of the learning process. Most of the greatest inventions in history are the result of a series of unsuccessful attempts.

Therefore, let your child know that failure is sometimes possible and there's no need to be afraid of it. Show them how to learn from failure to do better next time.

5. Motivation

Many parents place high expectations on their children from a young age, often saying, "You must excel and bring glory to our family." These words of encouragement from parents actually set excessively high expectations for children, forcing them to constantly strive forward. Some children, when faced with failure, experience a significant drop in self-confidence and are very susceptible to depression.

The core of motivational communication is helping children develop a sense of self-worth, so they believe, "I can do it," thereby fostering confidence and courage to face challenges. To achieve this, first, teach children to confront failure and fear. Like the dialogue between Mr. Li Songwei and his daughter, it not only reduces the child's fear but also teaches them to view failure with a normal mindset, thus planting the seed of "I can" in their hearts.

Relying solely on simple words of encouragement like "Mom believes you can do it" is unlikely to build confidence in children and will only increase pressure. What children truly need is concrete, genuine affirmation, also known as "quality encouragement." Motivational communication allows children to learn self-affirmation and build a stable sense of self-confidence and effectiveness.

6. Don't project your fears onto your child.

This is something most parents are aware of, but the reality is you can never completely hide your fears from your child. What you can do is talk to them, show them that you are also a normal person and that you also experience fear. Show them how you cope with and overcome those fears.

Overcoming fear is crucial, but it's also important to remember that some fears are perfectly reasonable and healthy. (Illustrative image)

7. Let your child know that sometimes it's okay to be scared.

Overcoming fear is important, but it's also crucial to remember that some fears are perfectly reasonable and healthy. If your child is afraid of jumping into a river full of crocodiles, that's perfectly fine, and there's no reason to force them to overcome that fear. Explain the difference between reasonable and irrational fears by discussing the risks and consequences.

8. Encourage and respect your child's ideas.

One parent recounted: "Last summer, I took my child to an outdoor summer camp. There, I was particularly impressed by an 8 or 9-year-old boy. While other children were still awkwardly holding onto adults' hands, this newcomer quickly blended in with his friends. When faced with a climbing problem, he was calmer than the adults, quickly analyzing the situation and finding a solution."

Later, I observed the way my son and his parents talked, and I noticed that they rarely asked their children to do things their way. They mostly used a instructive tone: "Come and try this!"; "Will you plan your itinerary for tomorrow?"...

Allow children to have diverse ideas, whether naive or mature, discuss them with them, and avoid immediate criticism—this is the mark of intelligent parenting. After receiving proper guidance from their parents, children will understand certain consequences and make appropriate choices.

When children ask for help, parents should express support. If children want to rely on their own abilities to solve problems, parents should agree, as this will help improve their problem-solving skills. Respect and give children the right to choose, so they have more opportunities to express themselves and become more independent and confident.

9. Avoid comparing your child to others.

Constantly comparing your child to other children can make them lose confidence and feel inadequate. This is completely unhelpful in helping them overcome their fears.

10. Regularly remind your child that they are not alone.

This is perhaps the most important thing. Explain to your child that they don't have to face their fears alone. If they feel safe knowing they have someone to support them, they will be more confident in moving forward.

Source: https://giadinh.suckhoedoisong.vn/cach-cha-me-giup-con-vuot-qua-noi-so-that-bai-ky-nang-mem-quan-important-de-con-thanh-cong-trong-tuong-lai-172240702143239332.htm