How parents help their children overcome the fear of failure

Li Songwei, a PhD in psychology at Peking University (China) shares the story of his 9-year-old daughter:

When he sent his daughter to swimming lessons, he discovered that she was very afraid of water and could not learn no matter how hard she tried. The more the coach told her not to be afraid, the more counterproductive it became. The father was very sad and did not know how to help his daughter become more confident and overcome her fear of water.

He said that at first his daughter was not afraid of swimming, but after choking on water a few times and being corrected by the coach, she eventually became more and more afraid.

"If I say 'come on, you can do it' or 'come on, you're great', she can temporarily suppress her fear; but then when she sees someone else swimming better than her, she only gets more anxious and falls into a spiral of choking on water" ... So instead of encouraging or praising her daughter, Ly Tung Uy quietly told her a secret: "Everyone has to be afraid 100 times when learning to swim. You've been afraid a dozen times already, and you can learn if you're afraid 80 more times."

As a result, his daughter quickly overcame her fear, focused on learning to swim, and swam as well as a baby dolphin.

When children know that their fears are accepted and that fear is normal, their response will be different. As parents, we all hope to raise a child who is bright, confident, and unafraid of failure. However, this cannot be achieved through praise alone.

In today's life, learning how to overcome failure is just as important as trying to succeed. Illustration photo

Try these communication skills to help your child regain confidence.

1. Acknowledge your fear

Telling your child not to be afraid or banning silly fears is not an effective way to help your child overcome them. You need to acknowledge them for what they are. Give your child a chance to talk about them and show that you really understand. Fears need to be acknowledged before you can help your child overcome them.

2. Tell your own experience

You can explain that failure is a part of life and happens to everyone. You can share examples of failures that you have experienced.

“Parents can model how to deal with their own disappointments, such as losing a promotion at work,” says Dr. Mintzer. “While everyone likes things to go according to plan, it’s important to teach children that it’s okay if things don’t go as planned.”

A child's failure is an opportunity for parents to teach their child problem-solving and acceptance skills. You and your child can try to think of what you can do next time to have a better chance of success.

3. Show empathy

One day in the park, a group of children were playing soccer. A mother and her son were watching. Seeing that the child seemed to want to play, the mother asked him to join in. But the boy was too shy to come forward. The mother angrily scolded him: "Oh my God, what's there to be ashamed of! You're such a coward." Finally, the boy blushed and burst into tears.

For a shy and introverted child, it is difficult to get him to do something if you keep saying "go ahead". Only when parents sit down, understand and know where their child is struggling, can they help.

A parent said: " Once, my son did a math problem for 2 hours without any results, just lying there sighing. After hearing this, I immediately walked over. After understanding the situation, I first expressed my sympathy: 'Let me see your problem, this problem is really difficult for a third grader'. Then I continued to share: 'Actually, when I was a child, I was very bad at math. You are much better than me. Don't worry, let's take some time to figure it out'. After hearing this, my son was very comforted, he offered to solve the problem himself."

In fact, the key to empathic communication is: Understand your child's difficulties, help them develop steps to solve them, and support them in doing so. When you experience emotions from the child's perspective, your child will naturally feel your concern and understanding.

Only when parents sit down, understand and know where their children are struggling, can they help them. Illustration photo

4. Let your child know that failure is also an option.

Everyone is under pressure to not fail and is afraid of it, forgetting that it is an important part of the learning process. Most of the greatest inventions in history were the result of a series of unsuccessful attempts.

So let your child know that it's okay to fail sometimes and not to be afraid of it. Show them how to learn from failure so they can do better next time.

5. Create motivation

Many parents have high expectations for their children from a young age, often saying: "You must stand out and bring glory to our family". The words of encouragement that parents utter are actually setting high expectations for their children and forcing them to constantly move forward. When some children encounter failure, their self-confidence will decrease significantly, and they will easily fall into a state of depression.

The focus of motivational communication is to help children improve their sense of self-efficacy, so that they believe "I can do it", thereby generating confidence and courage to face difficulties. To do this, first, teach children to face failure and fear. Like the dialogue between Mr. Ly Tung Uy and his daughter, it not only makes the child less afraid but also looks at failure with a normal mindset, thereby planting the seed of "I can" in the heart.

Relying on simple words of encouragement like “I believe you can do it” is difficult to build confidence in children and will only add to their stress. What children really need is specific, sincere affirmation, also known as “high-quality encouragement”. Motivational communication will allow children to learn to assert themselves and build a stable sense of self-confidence and self-efficacy.

6. Don't project your fears onto your child.

This is something most parents are aware of, but the reality is that you can never completely hide your fears from your child. What you can do is talk to them, show them that you are a normal person and that you have fears too. Show them what you are doing to cope with and overcome those fears.

Overcoming fear is important, but it's also important to remember that some fears are completely reasonable and healthy. Illustration photo

7. Let your child know that there are times when it is okay to be afraid.

It’s important to overcome your fears, but it’s also important to remember that some fears are perfectly reasonable and healthy. If your child is afraid of jumping into a river full of crocodiles, that’s a good thing and there’s no reason to make them overcome that fear. Help your child understand the difference between reasonable and unreasonable fears by talking about risks and consequences.

8. Encourage and respect your child's ideas

A parent said: "Last summer, I took my child to an outdoor summer camp. There, I was especially impressed with an 8 or 9 year old boy. While other children were still awkwardly holding the hands of adults, the new boy quickly integrated with his friends. When he encountered a climbing accident, the boy was calmer than the adults, promptly analyzed the situation and found a solution.

Later, I observed the conversation between the boy and his parents, and found that they rarely asked their children to do things their way. They mostly used a directive tone: Come and try this?; Will you plan your trip tomorrow?...".

Allow children to have a variety of ideas, regardless of whether the idea is naive or mature, can discuss with them, and do not rush to criticize, that is the way of communication of smart parents. After being properly guided by parents, children will understand certain consequences and make corresponding choices.

When children ask for help, parents should show support. If children want to rely on their own abilities to solve problems, they should also agree. This will help improve their problem-solving ability. Respect and give children the right to choose, so that they have more opportunities to express themselves and become more independent and confident.

9. Avoid comparing your child with others

Constantly comparing your child to other children can make them lose confidence and feel inadequate. This is completely unhelpful in helping your child overcome their fears.

10. Regularly remind your child that he or she is not alone.

This is probably the most important thing. Explain to your child that they don't have to face their fears alone. If they feel safe knowing they have someone with them, they'll be more likely to move forward.

Source: https://giadinh.suckhoedoisong.vn/cach-cha-me-giup-con-vuot-qua-noi-so-that-bai-ky-nang-mem-quan-trong-de-con-thanh-cong-trong-tuong-lai-172240702143239332.htm