Before, I used to wonder if it was right for Western parents to force their children to be independent at such a young age, whether it was fair to the children. Do they have less love for their children than Vietnamese parents?
But since living in their culture, I have realized that they do not love their children any less than any other Vietnamese parents I know. In fact, they give a lot to their children - from the moments before they are born, through their childhood and into adulthood.
The best investment
The friends or colleagues I know have started planning for the baby's life when it is born as soon as the child is conceived. Not only the pregnant mother, but also the father, whether husband or boyfriend, if they have agreed to have a child together, they will spend time preparing for this: attending prenatal classes to learn how to care for and learn about the baby's nutrition. During the time of raising a child, the Western parents I know spend most of their time prioritizing accompanying their children in all activities. One of the people I admire the most is a senior manager working for the famous financial group Goldman Sachs. She gave birth to twins in her 40s. One of the twins had a slight congenital intellectual problem. Those were the years when her career was at its peak, she earned millions of dollars each year from salary and bonuses. Yet, she made a choice that stunned me: She quit her job for 2 years when her two children were 3 years old. She took her two children to Europe. The three of them, in an SUV, traveled around Europe for 2 years. Occasionally, her husband and her eldest son flew to meet her and her three children wherever she was staying. They spent a few weeks together, then she continued her trip around Europe alone with her two twins. After 2 years, the boy with a slight mental retardation spoke and communicated at 80% of the level of a normal child. He was admitted to a normal school when he started first grade.
I met her when her twins were around 8 years old. She told me that taking two years off work to spend all her time with her children was the best decision she ever made in her life. Now the twins are in their final year of private school in the UK and preparing to go to university. I think all the time they have spent with their children has been the best investment they have ever made.
Give your child experiences
The Western parents I know place a special importance on giving their children experiences. When we go hiking with my husband, we often see parents carrying their very young babies on their backs, or taking their 2-3 year olds and older on overnight camping trips in the wild. When they are a little older, they are sent to Boy Scout classes and learn survival skills. I have never met a 6-7 year old Western child who does not know how to swim. Meanwhile, in Vietnam, every year hundreds of children drown because they do not know how to swim!
I am also always surprised that most Westerners I know play at least one musical instrument, even if it is only amateur. Perhaps being exposed to music and art from a young age makes them better at appreciating beauty?
Most Western children I know have been nurtured by their parents to love books from a young age. When waiting in waiting rooms, on trains or on flights, the most common image I see of Western children is them reading books, not playing with their parents' iPads or iPhones. I asked some colleagues who have children around my daughter's age when they should get their own phones. Most of the answers were from 13 years old and up. It is this limited use of electronic devices that allows children to experience more real life.
Western fathers and mothers always give their children the best values in life. Photo: DOCUMENT
Support professional freedom
On a visit to an ancient castle in Lake Bled, Slovenia, I happened to meet an American student. We started talking while sitting at a table in a small, crowded restaurant. Since there were no separate tables, they put us - two people traveling alone - together. We chatted and quickly felt a connection. When I learned that she was a student, saving money from working part-time for two consecutive summers to make this trip to Europe, I offered to buy her a meal that day; in return, she volunteered to be my tour guide. While we were out, I asked, "Why are you so knowledgeable about European history?" She replied, "Because I studied at university, majoring in the history of feudal dynasties in Europe!" "Oh, so do you have a father or mother who works in this industry?" "No, my father is a truck driver, and my mother is a nurse." "Oh, so your parents support you studying a major that they have nothing to do with? Are they worried about what you will do with your degree after graduation?" "My parents have always supported me in whatever I want to do. Right now, this is the major I am very passionate about, so I just study as hard as I can."
It was an encounter that left a lasting impression on me. Later, when I talked to Western parents I knew, I found that respecting their children's freedom to choose their future path was a common idea. Of course, every parent wants their children to grow up with a stable material life, but they respect and often support their children's career freedom. Because for them, the most important thing for a happy life is a balance between the joys of life and making a living.
In fact, there are many other priceless values that Western parents give their children - things that cannot be converted into material things such as a house, a car or monthly allowances... I am a Vietnamese mother and I have my own views on what I give to my children in the present and the future. However, I always admire my friends for what they give to their children. I think that sometimes letting go of your hand to let your child walk alone on the path that he or she chooses for himself or herself requires a greater love and courage than holding your child's hand and walking step by step on the path that you choose for him or her.
Becoming a parent, what I want to do and what I see Western parents do for their children is: Equip them with the best skills and life values possible so that they will fail as little as possible in their dreams. Or if they do fail, the loss will be as little as possible.
To do that, what Western parents give to their children, I think, is more than anything that can be converted into money.
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