“Other people's children” - the invisible shadow that blurs children's dreams

Under the shadow of comparison, the light will dim.

The passing of the exam season not only left its mark on the pages full of formulas or essays still smelling of ink, but also deeply engraved a silence in the heart of Doan Tran Tuong Vy, grade 9, Thac Mo Secondary School, Phuoc Long town. Holding the final report card, she quietly looked at the numbers, although she had made great efforts and achieved the title of advanced student, that joy was extinguished by the sigh of her family.

“At the same age and in the same class, Ngoc is an excellent student, opening the door to a specialized school. As for you, you only dare to think about a school near your home. Why can’t you be confident like other children?” - Tuong Vy’s father’s unintentional words seemed to cut into her sensitive heart.

Preparing to enter the 10th grade entrance exam, Doan Tran Tuong Vy (grade 9, Thac Mo Secondary School, Phuoc Long town) is shouldering the "dreams of her parents"

“Every time I am compared, I feel like a failure. No matter how hard I try, it is meaningless in front of the shadow of “other people” who are too big… Even though I am passionate about painting and have won awards, I do not dare to show off. In my parents’ eyes, my drawings are not “worthy” of the 9s and 10s of my friends… As I am preparing for the 10th grade entrance exam, I am really confused about choosing a major to pursue my dream” - Vy’s voice choked with bitterness.

“Other people’s children” - the stereotype has permeated every household, crept into every meal, haunted every story. Even though they know that all comparisons are lame, parents still cannot help but compare their children. From weight, height to grades... all can become targets for parents to put on the scale of comparison.

How many students have fallen into the abyss of discouragement, self-doubt, and even depression, just because their parents put too much expectation on them and forgot to listen and understand. “Other people’s children” from a vague encouragement has turned into a big shadow that overshadows their own dreams, causing many children to be hurt, become skeptical, and lose themselves.

“It’s not that I don’t want to be as good as others. But I am me, I can’t live a life that is an exact copy of someone else’s…” - Nguyen Le Anh Thu, Quang Trung High School for the Gifted (Dong Xoai City) confided.

Comparison - is it a way to stimulate willpower?

Every parent wants their child to be good and successful. Deep down, using a “role model” to encourage their child to excel is not wrong. But what hurts the child is not the goal set, but the comparison, the lack of empathy, the silent but heavy pressure.

According to psychologist Dr. Uong Thi Le Na, lecturer at Binh Phuoc College: “Comparing your child with others can be effective if done correctly and at the right time. However, if abused, it will cause children to be hurt, selfish, emotionally numb, and can even lead to serious consequences such as depression, self-harm or negative reactions to parents.”

In fact, many heartbreaking incidents have originated from parents having too high expectations without understanding, leading to an ever-widening gap between generations. There are children who have become emotionally numb, argue with their parents, ignore advice, or withdraw and become depressed because they feel that they are “not good enough” and “forever inferior to others”.

Reduce expectations, increase effort

When the exams are over, what remains is not only the score but also the way the child remembers the companionship of the family. It is an encouraging look, a gentle sentence: "Mom and Dad know you tried your best". And sometimes, just that is enough to make the child "shine" in his or her own way.

Loving your child is not about putting them on the scale, but about growing up with them every day.

Unlike other families who often compare their children, Mr. Nguyen Van Phuc and his wife (living in Phu Rieng commune, Phu Rieng district) choose to accompany their children with respect and understanding. His family has 5 children, each with their own strengths and personalities. To Mr. Phuc, no child is "inferior", as long as they are properly encouraged, each child can develop their full potential. It is this trust and encouragement that has become the catalyst that helps his children firmly pursue their dreams.

The most admirable story is that of his eldest daughter - a student at a local specialized high school - who received admission letters from 12 universities in the US, including some top-ranked ones. Notably, she is not only good at academics but also excels in social activities and leadership - things that can only be developed when living in a family environment that respects and nurtures self-confidence.

Mr. Phuc shared: “We do not put pressure on our children to achieve, do not compare them with anyone else, and do not compare them with each other. Instead, every small step forward is listened to, noted, and encouraged. I believe that when children grow up with love and trust, they will know how to shine in their own way.”

Love has no conditions, just understanding

Familyeducation - the first and most important environment must be based on empathy, companionship and recognition. What parents need is not a model for their children to fit into, but a mirror for their children to see themselves as better today than yesterday. Comparing children with themselves, following their every little progress, is much more important than placing on them the achievements of others.

Each child is a separate world , with different dreams.

Each child is a seedling with its own shape and rhythm. Some plants love the sun, some like the shade; some shoots grow quickly, while others need more time to sprout. But what all these seedlings need is not comparison, but an environment that is loving and trusting enough to grow steadily. It is time for parents to stop looking for the “other people’s child” model to impose on their children, but to accompany, inspire, and respect differences because each child can only shine in his or her own way.

When encouragement replaces comparison, when love replaces imposed expectations, children will not only study well and be obedient, but also grow up with a healthy heart, a confident spirit and a desire to contribute positively to society. Don’t let “other people’s children” become a shadow that weighs heavily on your child’s childhood. Because parents are the ones who hold the light, deciding whether their child’s light can shine freely or not.

Source: https://baobinhphuoc.com.vn/news/72/173088/con-nha-nguoi-ta-chiec-bong-vo-hinh-lam-mo-uoc-mo-con-tre