My mother always told me to be patient no matter what, to protect the family, and to always think of my two children in everything I do. She always said that she put up with my father her whole life, so what's wrong with you women putting up with your husbands a little?
My mother always complains, saying she thinks she's the one suffering, but she sees so many people who suffer far more than her. She asks, "Didn't you see Mrs. A? Her husband goes drinking, and back then, before they had a car, she had to carry him across the rice fields late at night to get home. Or Mrs. B? Her husband gambles away, racking up huge debts, and she still has to shoulder the burden of raising children and paying off his debts. And Mrs. C? Her husband is a womanizer, and she has to grit her teeth and endure it; the slightest hint of jealousy and he beats her black and blue. Those people suffer so much for the sake of their children, yet you girls complain and threaten to leave just because your husband comes home late from drinking or yells a little. You have to be patient when you get married, my child. Everyone suffers when they get married; you have to try to live and maintain the family for the sake of your children. That's how hard life is for women."
Mom, I know your teachings are right, but since when have women been implicitly expected to endure hardship, suffering, and sacrifice? People say women are like flowers. A flower has its own beauty, its own pride, even when it has withered. A warm and happy family requires mutual respect from both husband and wife, and sacrifice from both sides. Why do women have to work, take care of the children, and do housework all day while men can relax, finish work, and then go out drinking with friends until late at night? Even then, they don't find peace; they start complaining about some guy A, guy B, or guy C who caused trouble at the drinking party, forcing their wives to listen. Sometimes they vomit violently, making their wives clean up, boil ginger for them to drink, and worry themselves sleepless. Mom, isn't that too unfair? Mom, you've lived a life of selfless endurance for your children, and I'm so grateful to you. But sometimes I blame you for enduring all that, for not fighting back when Dad beat you, for crying and begging uncles and aunts to come find you when he left with someone else. Why did you have to tie your life to the word "sacrifice"?
"Sacrifice" is always the word mothers teach their daughters. Women must sacrifice for their husbands and children. Mom, I don't want to teach my daughters and your grandchildren the word "sacrifice" anymore. Women should be loved. Women should be strong and live for themselves and their children. If a marriage is unhappy, women have the right to end it, not to find another strong shoulder to lean on, but to live independently and strongly. Women have jobs, they can manage finances , they can change a light bulb, fix a broken pipe, repair a broken chair leg... And for anything heavy they can't do themselves, they have the right to hire a handyman; there's nothing to worry about. Women can live well even raising children alone.
That's why I don't like the word "sacrifice," Mom, that you always taught us. You're right, Mom, but those two words are no longer appropriate. Women should never sacrifice themselves. In a happy family, the mother and wife must feel happy. What's the point of trying to please and endure everything, Mom? Why don't women go get beauty treatments, take care of themselves, and treat themselves to something they love when they get their salary? After living for themselves a little, then take care of their children and husband. When you look in the mirror and see yourself getting more beautiful every day, when you look at your children and see them well-groomed, and the house clean, isn't that happier? Why be disheveled and constantly busy? Instead of waiting for your husband to go out drinking all day, you can go to a spa or have coffee with friends, do what you like. Isn't that happier?
I had to break free from the word "sacrifice," or rather, I had an epiphany after seeing a close friend die from a serious illness. After her death, everyone realized her wardrobe contained many designer clothes, none of which had their tags removed. It turned out she was so busy with her business and her husband and children that she had no time for herself. When she died, her son was in 10th grade but couldn't even remove the bones from a fish, and her husband couldn't even cook a meal for the two of them. I wondered if her sacrifice was worthwhile when I saw her husband having an affair. It's understandable; without a woman's presence, it's difficult for a father and son to take care of each other. Men, no matter how much they love their wives, rarely stay single their whole lives. That's when I woke up from the long delusion of self-sacrifice that I'd been taught since I was a toddler, through marriage and having children. I started to take better care of myself and understand what true happiness is.
Mom, women are only happy when they are in control of themselves, when they can do what they like. And, Mom, I will never teach my children, your grandchildren, the word "sacrifice" again. Instead, I will teach them that women must know how to take care of themselves, be beautiful, work hard, seek opportunities for self-development, and never sacrifice themselves for their husbands and children while staying cooped up in the kitchen.
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