Ms. Trinh (Dong Da, Hanoi ), mother of two sons, recounted: When her eldest son (who was very gentle, even though his mother had enrolled him in martial arts classes from an early age) was in second grade, one day he came home from school with his hair all messed up because a classmate had cut it.
Another time, when he was in 4th grade, he came home crying one day and said that the class president (a girl) and other classmates had pulled down his pants (this girl was very "tough," probably that's why the teacher assigned her to be class president).
When her child's hair was cut, Ms. Trinh instructed her child to tell the teacher at school. She also called the teacher and asked her to tell the students not to play with scissors in case of an accident. After that incident, she didn't see her child's hair cut or teased again.
When her daughter's pants were pulled down, she called the homeroom teacher and also contacted the mother of the other girl, informing her of the incident and asking to speak with the girl. She went to the school, met with the other girl, and explained that her and her classmates' actions of pulling down the other girl's pants to tease her were completely wrong and violated school rules. "Just imagine how you would feel if someone did that to you," she said gently but firmly. "If you do that to anyone else, I will report it to the school administration, and even to the police."
According to Ms. Trinh, she doesn't always rush to intervene when her child is teased by friends; she lets ordinary mischief go. She says, "Looking back, the fortunate thing is that my child always confides in me every day, so any change, from small things like losing a pencil, or a scratch on their hand, or even just being a little sad, I notice it and try to contact teachers and other parents to help my child together."
Parents need to pay attention to their children, recognize any unusual behavior, and provide timely assistance.
Ms. Do (Van Lam, Hung Yen ), whose son is in 8th grade, recounted: "When my son first entered 6th grade, a boy blocked him and threatened to beat him up. My son has a serious expression and severe nearsightedness, so he looks up at everything, making him seem to stare wide-eyed, which may have annoyed the other boy. The boy didn't hit him, but instead smashed his bicycle basket, threatening, 'Tomorrow I'll give you a beating!' My son didn't tell me about it when he got home, but I saw the broken basket, asked him about it, and found out what happened."
Ms. Do was worried because her child had just transitioned from primary to secondary school and was already being bullied. She tried to contact the other child's parents to talk things over. The father immediately complained helplessly, "We have two brothers, and I'm so proud of the older one, but so disappointed in the younger one!" Ms. Do then reminded the parent to focus on the main issue: "If your child continues to bully my child, I won't resolve this simply; I will take legal action."
At the same time, she also spoke with her child's homeroom teacher so that the teacher would be aware of the situation.
When Ms. Do's child was in 7th grade, she experienced a more serious incident: she was beaten by a classmate, who then broke her glasses. "I still remember that afternoon when I was at home and saw the homeroom teacher bring my child home. Her face was scratched from the beating and her glasses had shattered. The teacher told me to stay calm and that she would go with me to the other student's house (named V.) to talk. Even after she left, I felt so sorry for her, so angry, and tears just kept flowing."
I cried, my child cried. I asked, "What did you do to make your friend hit you?" My child replied, "I didn't do anything." So I took my child to V.'s house . V.'s father and grandmother were home. I asked the father if I could see my child and ask why she hit her friend. Unexpectedly, V. replied, "I found her annoying, she was so arrogant, so I hit her because I hated her!"
Ms. Do recounted: "I was furious, my heart was racing, and my blood was boiling, but I tried to stay calm."
V. is very stubborn; even when his father tells him to apologize, he absolutely refuses. Ms. Do explained to V. that her son sees things that way because he is nearsighted. “Your friend has a vision problem, you should be compassionate towards him, but instead you hit him! That’s unacceptable. I will take this to court!”
V.'s father was also embarrassed. Then V. saw that Ms. Do was firm, so he got scared and finally apologized. Ms. Do also demanded that V. compensate for the broken glasses that he had broken.
Ms. Do believes that: "Children entering middle school and puberty tend to talk less with their parents, so we need to pay more attention to them so that we can recognize any unusual behavior they exhibit."
When teachers perform their mediating role well
Ms. Trinh's second son was once beaten up by the girls in his class for "the crime" of cheering for the basketball team from the next class (which included his best friend), even though his own team ultimately lost, when he was in sixth grade. The boy just sat there, covering his head and enduring the beating. When his English teacher saw that he was upset and his eyes were red (he had hidden in the bathroom to cry because he was angry), he asked why, and the boy recounted the story.
The teacher called the boy to the front of the class and asked, "Why didn't you fight back against your classmates?" The boy replied, "I could have beaten them all, but I didn't. I didn't hit the girls." The teacher gave him a Rubik's Cube and said to the class, "This is a chivalrous person." After that, the girls in the class grew very fond of the boy.
Another time, in seventh grade, at her teacher's wedding, she saw beer and wine on the table with no one supervising, so some boys took them out and drank. She got drunk and was ostracized by the whole class. Even her close male friends stopped talking to her. "I still remember the feeling of my heart breaking when I saw her running out of school, crying and begging to stay home because no one in the class would talk to her. She was so upset that she punched the wall until her hands bled." She called the homeroom teacher for help. At the same time, she talked to her daughter and explained things to her; her daughter went to class and apologized for not controlling herself and affecting the class. After two days off, she happily returned to school without any further problems.
There are some serious issues that are not easy to handle.
Recounting her child's story, Ms. Le Bao (Ho Chi Minh City) couldn't hide her sadness and frustration. In 6th grade, her child attended a specialized school in District 4. Later, because the child couldn't keep up with the integrated curriculum and the school refused to transfer to a regular class, she and her child decided to transfer to a specialized school in District 3, starting from the second semester.
From then until the end of 6th grade, I couldn't find a close friend. In 7th grade, I was "recruited" into a group of friends, consisting of four girls, including myself. In 8th grade, the school split the classes; I and one of my friends from the group were in the same 8th grade class, while the other two were in two different classes.
At first, the girl was happy to have a friend in her study group. But after a while, that same friend started making disparaging remarks about her appearance, academic abilities, family background, etc., which upset her. When her daughter confided in her, her mother advised her to speak frankly with her friend, and if the friend didn't change, she should reconsider the friendship. After many unsuccessful attempts, Ms. Bao's daughter decided to distance herself from that girl, which meant being "excluded" from their group of friends.
Then, perhaps out of resentment for being "excluded" earlier, that girl and two other former friends in the group ganged up to bully my niece: sending insulting messages and badmouthing her in every way. In the group, my niece was closest to a girl named MT. This girl, on one hand, sided with the group in bullying my niece, and on the other hand, she confided in my niece, advising her to transfer schools to avoid being bullied. "One day, in the restroom, my niece overheard the group talking, asking MT if she had convinced my niece to transfer schools yet, because they didn't want to see her there anymore. My niece was shocked to hear this, never imagining that MT's confided advice and sharing were just a charade!"
At that time, she was close friends with a boy who was almost her emotional support amidst her isolation. But one day, unexpectedly, he stopped being friends with her and joined the bullying group. He even leaked her Facebook password to the whole group so they could access her, share her private photos, and post them online with mocking comments. Needless to say, she was devastated by being treated so badly by the people who were once her closest friends.
At this point, Ms. Le Bao contacted the homeroom teacher and explained the situation. This was the response she received: "You're middle school students, the school can't manage you anymore." Regarding her child, the teacher said: "It's because you don't know how to choose your friends. I only know what you said, but I don't have any evidence to say anything to your friends" (?!).
Ms. Le Bao confided: "I am so disappointed, and my child is upset. Instead of gathering everyone together and investigating the matter, the teacher blamed the victim."
"I want my child to develop resilience and strength to overcome difficulties, but what if my child isn't strong enough yet?"
Ms. Le Bao also spoke directly with the two parents of the bullies. “One child was so brazen that he messaged me privately on Zalo, speaking rudely as if my child deserved to be bullied. I took screenshots of those messages, sent them to his mother, and requested a meeting, but only received empty promises and not even an apology. The boy went further, posting pictures of my child online with insulting comments. At this point, I lost my patience and told his mother: ‘If you can’t control your child, I’ll report this to the police.’”
At that point, she told her child to take down my child's picture. Then, a girl from our old group of friends continued posting my child's picture online to humiliate her. I had to find the girl's mother to talk to her. This time, luckily, the mother was more reasonable, apologized, and resolved the issue.”
After "quelling the disturbance," Ms. Le Bao began to think about requesting a class transfer. But her child said that it wouldn't matter which class she transferred to; every class had members of that group, and she would be bullied wherever she went.
Every time her daughter came home from school, she would ask about the situation and learned that things had improved: the other group no longer openly bullied and attacked her in class and online (but they still whispered, sneered, and glared at each other when they passed). Her daughter had also made a few "allies" who shared the same experience of being bullied and ridiculed, so now they huddled together to play.
"My daughter wanted to transfer schools, but I told her that I had already intervened and resolved the big issues, and that these things were insignificant, that they would happen in any environment. I told her to learn to ignore them, be strong, and overcome them, because she couldn't just run away whenever she faced difficulties." Hearing her mother say that, the girl fell silent.
One day, she took her child to extra classes, and at the same time, her old best friend, MT, was also brought to the same class. As soon as she saw MT, Le Bao's child became flustered and trembling, unable to even take off her helmet. Seeing that, her heart ached for her child. If her child was so scared even with her mother by her side, what would she be like without her mother?
“I want my child to develop resilience and strength to overcome difficulties, but what if my child isn't strong enough yet?” Not wanting her child's school days to be filled with fear, insecurity, and pressure, she arranged to transfer her child to a new school within two weeks.
Ms. Le Bao confided: “Someone might say, 'My child must have done something wrong to be bullied, there's no smoke without fire.' But what will they say about the case of YN, born in 2007, a student at the specialized high school of Vinh University, who hanged herself at home because of school bullying?”
I followed the news about her, and the more I read, the more I shuddered with fear, because YN's story and my child's story have many uncanny similarities. YN is only two years older than my child, and she was also abused by a group of friends who used to be close but later turned against her. My child also sought help from the teacher, but all she received was indifference and blame. The only difference is that my child was lucky not to be beaten, and my child and I acted early before anything serious happened.
As for the children who bully and assault their friends, I don't know what to say about them. Children are not innocent! Children can be very cruel, or perhaps they are unaware of that cruelty, and because they are called children, no one deals with them properly…”
Advice from educators
Ms. Phan Thanh Ha, a lecturer in the Department of Special Education at Ho Chi Minh City University of Education, in her role as a parent, also had to deal with her child being bullied at school.
Over the years, drawing from her experiences, she concluded that: Bullying children are often those who have repressed feelings and channel their frustrations into bullying others. Bullied children are often those who lack self-confidence and may also have some psychological issues, so they sometimes endure the bullying when they could handle it themselves. Therefore, children need to be educated not to bully and to know how to handle being bullied.
Schools need to understand the psychology of students in general and their individual problems in particular in order to provide timely support. According to Ms. Thanh Ha, the most necessary solution is for each school to have an experienced psychologist ready to listen to students' stories and provide timely support.
Regarding homeroom teachers, Ms. Thanh Ha stated that they are all trained in pedagogy and have studied how to support students with special needs. However, the training programs of previous and recent years show that homeroom teaching in teacher training allocates too little time to issues related to school violence and psychological problems specific to this age group.
On that basis, homeroom teachers primarily resolve difficult issues based on their experience and enthusiasm. Furthermore, most schools prioritize maintaining peace and avoiding trouble, so teachers tend to address problems in a way that appeases students rather than tackling the root causes.
From a parental perspective, when a child is bullied, parents need to provide emotional support, allowing the child to resolve the issue themselves at school. This is the long-term solution that helps children cope with difficulties in life later on. Methods such as confronting the bully, reporting them to the school for punishment, or attacking the bully's family are not good solutions and may even be wrong. A tactful discussion with the homeroom teacher is best, but it's crucial to find a way to handle the situation skillfully and appropriately so that the child doesn't become stigmatized in the eyes of their peers (because in school, telling parents can lead to the child being looked down upon, further reducing their self-confidence).
The character's name has been changed.
Nguyen Thuy Hoa (VOV.VN)
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