Children are being bullied at school, what should parents do?

Ms. Trinh (Dong Da, Hanoi ), mother of two sons, said: When her eldest son (who was very gentle, although his mother sent him to martial arts classes early), was in 2nd grade, one day he came home from school with messy hair because his friend had cut it.

Another time, when the boy was in 4th grade, he came home crying and told me that the class monitor (female) and his classmates pulled down his pants (this female was a "gangster", probably because of that the teacher assigned her to be the class monitor).

When her child got her hair cut, Ms. Trinh told her child to go to class and tell the teacher. She also called the teacher to tell the students not to play with the scissors because it might cause an accident. After that, she never saw her child get her hair cut or teased again.

When her child's pants were pulled down, she called the homeroom teacher and the other girl's mother to inform them of the incident and ask for permission to meet her. She went to school, met the girl and told them that it was very, very wrong for her and her classmates to pull down her pants to tease her, and that it was a violation of school rules. "Just think about it, what would happen to you if someone did that to you?" She also said, very gently but firmly: "If you do that to anyone else, I will report it to the Board of Directors, or even to the police."

According to Ms. Trinh, she does not always run to intervene when her child is teased by friends, and she lets go of normal naughty things that children do. She said: "Thinking back, the lucky thing is that my child always confides in me every day, so any change, from small things like losing a pencil, or having a scratch on his hand, or even if he is just a little sad, I notice it, ask about it, and find a way to contact the teacher and other parents to help him together."

Parents need to pay attention to their children and recognize any unusual signs to help them promptly.

Ms. Do (Van Lam, Hung Yen ) has a son in grade 8, said: "When my son was in grade 6, a boy blocked him and threatened to beat him. Ms. Do's son had a serious face and was severely nearsighted, so he looked up at everything, looking as if his eyes were bulging, so that might be the reason why the other boy was upset. The boy did not hit him but broke his bicycle basket, along with the threat: "Tomorrow I will beat you up!" When he got home, he did not tell his mother, but Ms. Do saw the broken bicycle basket and asked and found out what happened.

Ms. Do was worried because her child had just entered secondary school from primary school, and was still confused, but was being bullied by a friend. She tried to contact the friend's parents and talk to them. The father immediately complained helplessly: "There are two brothers in the family, the more proud he is of the older brother, the more frustrated he is of the younger brother!" Ms. Do spoke up to remind the parent to focus on the main story: If your child continues to beat my child, I will not solve the problem simply, but will resort to legal action.

At the same time, she also talked with her child's homeroom teacher to let her know the situation.

When Ms. Do's child was in 7th grade, he had a more serious incident: he was beaten by a friend, and then his glasses were broken. "I still remember that afternoon when I was at home and saw the homeroom teacher bringing my child home. His face was scratched by the friend's beating and broken glasses. The teacher told me to calm down, she would go with me to the other friend's house (named V.) to talk. She came back, but I felt so sorry and angry, tears kept flowing.

I cried, my child cried. I asked: What did you do to make your friend hit you? My child replied that he did nothing. So I took him to V's house. His father and grandmother were at home. I asked his father's permission to see him and asked him why he hit his friend. Unexpectedly, V. replied: "It's annoying to look at him, he's so arrogant, so I beat him up because I hate him!"

Ms. Do said: "I was very angry, my heart was beating fast and my blood was boiling, but I tried to stay calm."

V. was very stubborn, even when his father asked him to apologize, he refused. Ms. Do explained to V. that her son looked like that because he was nearsighted. “Your friend has an eye problem, you should love him, but instead you hit him! That is unacceptable. I will take this matter to court!”

V.'s father was also embarrassed. Later, V. saw that Ms. Do was tough, so he was also afraid and finally apologized. Ms. Do also asked V. to pay for the glasses that he broke.

Ms. Do said: "When children enter secondary school and puberty, they will talk less to their parents, so we need to pay more attention to our children so that we can recognize any unusual signs."

When teachers play a good role as mediators

Ms. Trinh’s second son was once beaten by his female classmates for “daring” to cheer for the basketball team of the next class (which included his best friend), but in the end, his class lost, when he was in 6th grade. The boy just sat there holding his head and enduring the beating. When the English teacher saw his son feeling angry and his eyes were red (he had run into the bathroom to cry because he was angry), he asked why and he told the story.

The teacher called the boy up to the front of the class and asked: Why didn't you hit your friends back? He replied: I can hit them all but I don't, I don't hit girls. The teacher gave him a Rubik's cube and said in front of the class: This is a chivalrous person. After that, the girls in the class loved the boy very much.

Another time, in 7th grade, when I went to a teacher's wedding, I saw beer and wine on the table without anyone to supervise, so some boys brought them out to drink, and I got drunk, and was boycotted by the whole class. Even my close male friends stopped talking to me. "I still remember the feeling of my heart aching when I saw my child running out of school, crying and begging to stay home because no one in the class was talking. He was so sad that he punched the wall until his hand bled." She called the homeroom teacher again. On the other hand, she talked and analyzed for her child; he went to class to apologize to his friends for not controlling himself, affecting the class. After 2 days off, my child happily went to school, and nothing else happened.

There are serious stories that are not easy to handle.

Retelling the story of her child, Ms. Le Bao (HCMC) could not hide her feelings of sadness and indignation. In 6th grade, her child studied at a specialized school in District 4. Later, because he could not keep up with the integrated program and the school refused to transfer him to a regular class, she and her child decided to transfer to a specialized school in District 3, starting from the second semester.

From then until the end of 6th grade, I couldn’t find a close friend. In 7th grade, I was “admitted” to a group of friends, including 4 girls, including me. In 8th grade, the school split the classes, I and one friend in the group were in the same 8th grade class, while the other two were in 2 different classes.

At first, the girl was very happy because she had a friend in the same study group. But after a while, that friend often criticized her appearance, learning ability, family background, etc., making her sad. When the girl confided in me, I advised her to give her honest opinion, and if she still did not change, she should reconsider this friendship. After many unsuccessful efforts, Ms. Bao's child decided to separate from that girl, which meant being "expelled" from the common group of friends.

Then, perhaps because she was angry because she was “unfriended” first or something, that girl and two old friends in the group bullied her together: sending insulting messages and badmouthing her in all sorts of ways. In the group, she was closest to a friend named MT. This girl, on one hand, sided with the group in bullying her friend, on the other hand, she whispered and advised her sister’s child to transfer schools to avoid being bullied. “One day, in the toilet, I accidentally heard the group talking to each other, asking MT if they had persuaded my child to transfer schools yet, because they didn’t want to see my child here anymore. My child was shocked when she heard that, not expecting MT’s whispering, confiding, and sharing to be just an act!”

During that time, she was close friends with a boy, who was almost her spiritual support in the midst of the "surrounding" of isolation. But one day, unexpectedly, he stopped being friends with her and turned around, joining the group of bullies. He even gave her Facebook password to the whole group to access, passed her private photos to each other and posted them online with sarcastic comments. Needless to say, the girl was devastated when she was treated badly by her former best friends.

At this time, Ms. Le Bao contacted the homeroom teacher and explained the situation. And this is the answer she received: "The children are in secondary school and are adults, the school cannot manage them." Regarding her child, the teacher said: "Because you don't know how to choose your friends, I know that because you said that, but there is no evidence to accuse your friends" (?!).

Ms. Le Bao confided: "I am so disappointed, my child is sad. Instead of calling everyone back and finding out what happened, the teacher blamed the victim."

“I want my child to develop courage and be strong to overcome difficulties, but what if my child is not strong enough?”

Ms. Le Bao also spoke directly with the two parents of the bullying group. “A child was so bold that he sent me a private message on Zalo, speaking rudely as if my child deserved to be bullied. I took a picture of those messages, sent them to his mother, and asked to meet, but only received empty promises, not even an apology. The boy took advantage of this and posted a picture of my child online with insulting words. At this point, I lost my patience and told his mother: “If you can’t control your child, I will call the police.”

At that time, she told her child to take down my child's picture. Then, a girl who used to play in the same group continued to post my child's picture online to humiliate her. I had to find the girl's mother to talk to her again. This time, luckily, the mother was more reasonable, apologized and took action."

After the “disorder” was settled, Ms. Le Bao began to think about transferring classes. But her child said that no matter which class he transferred to, every class would have “henchmen” from that group, and he would be bullied wherever he went.

Every time she came home from school, she would ask about her situation and found out that things had improved: The other group no longer picked on her and openly attacked her in class and online (but they still whispered, mocked, and glared at each other when they passed by). She also had a few “allies” who shared the same fate of being bullied and mocked, so now they huddled together to play.

“My child asked to transfer schools, but I told her that if it was a big deal, I would have intervened and ended it. These things are not worth mentioning. They will happen in any environment. You should learn to ignore them, be strong and overcome them. Because you can’t run away from difficulties wherever you go.” Hearing her mother say that, the little girl fell silent.

Until one day, she took her child to extra classes, at the same time her old best friend MT was also taken to that class. As soon as she saw MT, Le Bao's child was flustered, trembling, unable to open his helmet. Seeing that scene, she felt heartbroken for her child. With her mother by her side, she was still so scared, so what would happen if she wasn't there?

“I want my child to develop courage and strength to overcome difficulties, but what if my child is not strong enough?” Not wanting her child’s school days to be filled with fear, self-doubt and pressure, she arranged to transfer her child to a new school within 2 weeks.

Ms. Le Bao confided: “Someone will say, what must my child be like to be bullied, there is no smoke without fire? So what will they say about the case of YN, born in 2007, studying at Vinh University's specialized high school, who hanged herself at home because of school violence.

I followed the news about her, the more I read, the more I shuddered with fear, because YN's story and my child's story have many strange similarities. YN is only 2 years older than my child, and was also abused by a group of friends who were previously close to her, but later turned against her. She also asked the teacher for help, but the response was only indifference, blaming the victim. The only difference is that my child was lucky not to be beaten and my child and I acted early before serious things happened.

As for the kids who bully and abuse their friends, I don’t know what to say about them. Children are not innocent! Children can be very cruel, or perhaps they don’t realize it, and because they are called kids, no one will deal with them properly…”.

Advice fromeducators

Ms. Phan Thanh Ha - lecturer at the Faculty of Special Education, Ho Chi Minh City University of Education, in the role of a student's parent, also had to deal with her child being bullied at school.

Over the years, drawing from her own experiences, she believes that: Children who bully are often children who are psychologically repressed and they turn their inner frustrations into bullying other children. Children who are bullied are often children who lack confidence and may also have some psychological problems, so they sometimes endure this bullying, while they can solve it themselves. Therefore, children need to be educated not to bully and know how to handle it when they are bullied.

Schools need to understand the psychology of students in general and their personal problems in particular to be able to provide timely support. According to Ms. Thanh Ha, the most necessary solution is that each school needs to have an experienced psychologist who is ready to listen to students' stories and provide timely support.

Regarding the homeroom teachers, Ms. Thanh Ha said that they are all trained in pedagogy and have learned about supporting individual students. However, the training programs of previous and recent years show that the work of homeroom teachers in teacher training has too little time for issues related to school violence as well as age-specific psychological issues.

On that basis, homeroom teachers solve difficult problems mainly based on their experience and enthusiasm. Besides, most schools just want to keep peace, avoid noisy and troublesome things, so teachers only solve problems in a way that soothes them, not going to the root of the problem.

On the parents' side, when their children are bullied, parents need to support them mentally, let them solve their own problems at school, which is a long-term solution and helps their children cope with difficulties in life later on. Methods such as punishing the child who bullies, reporting to the school to punish the child, or attacking the child's family... are not good solutions, and can even be wrong. Talking tactfully with the homeroom teacher is best, but you should discuss how to handle it tactfully and appropriately so that your child does not become ugly in the eyes of his or her friends (because at school, telling parents will make the child look down on, leading to the child becoming even less confident).
*Character names have been changed.

Nguyen Thuy Hoa (VOV.VN)

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Source: https://vtc.vn/con-bi-bat-nat-o-truong-cha-me-phai-lam-gi-ar783754.html