Regretting getting married late

At 31, Thanh Mai suddenly realized she was "getting old," and hastily searched for a life partner, opening her heart to even those she had previously disliked, but still couldn't find the right person.

Nine years ago, she broke up with her first love after five years, so she became afraid of love and heartbreak, focusing only on her work and ignoring all opportunities for romance.

"As I approached 30, I noticed my health deteriorating significantly," admitted Mai, now 37, who works in Hanoi . With each passing year, she became increasingly anxious. As someone with expertise in sociology, she knew that the ideal age range for having children was between 20 and 35.

Thanh Mai has become more open to her former suitors. However, she has noticed that those of a similar age often seem "a bit strange" or are now just ex-partners.

"The more mature I become, the easier it is to see through others. I realize everyone has problems; those without problems can't be a reliable support. And those who seem fine already have families," said the 37-year-old woman.

Regretting getting married late

Ms. Thanh Mai once lived through empty, lonely days because, even after turning 30, she still hadn't found a suitable partner to marry. (Photo provided by the subject)

While Duc Anh (40 years old, from Ho Chi Minh City) was holding his child in the hospital, he received a phone call from a friend informing him that his child had been accepted into university. "While my friends are about to retire, I'm just starting my marriage," said the man who works in banking.

He got married at 37, his wife was two years younger than him. To avoid the burden of caring for elderly parents and young children, they had two children in three years. But both children were frequently ill. His wife's health deteriorated significantly after giving birth to the second child. Many times he had to take time off work to care for the whole family, even though he himself wasn't well. "I should have thought about marriage sooner," Duc Anh said.

People like Duc Anh and Thanh Mai, who marry late, are not uncommon these days. Census data from the General Statistics Office shows that the average age of marriage in Vietnam has been steadily increasing over the past decades. On average, Vietnamese men married at age 27.9 in 2020, up from 24.4 in 1989. In some major cities, such as Ho Chi Minh City, the average age of marriage for men is close to 30.

Planning to marry later in life and the inability to find a suitable partner are believed to be contributing factors to the increase in the percentage of single Vietnamese people, from 6.2% in 2004 to 10.1% in 2019.

The main reasons for the trend of late marriage among young urban people are the high cost of living and the pressures of living in big cities.

Anh Duc Anh was born into a family of four siblings. His father passed away early, and he threw himself into work, sacrificing his youth to help his mother raise and educate his younger siblings. “I only got married when my siblings had their own families and I felt financially secure. I didn’t want my children to live in the poverty that their parents experienced,” he explained.

Dr. Tran Tuyet Anh, Head of the Family Affairs Department (Ministry of Culture, Sports and Tourism), believes that late marriage is a trend in many countries, including Vietnam. The advantage of marrying later is that people are more mature in their thinking, have established careers and finances, possess sufficient knowledge, and are ready for family life, with less influence from living conditions and environment. “However, biologically, after the age of 35, people are more prone to physiological and psychological problems, especially women. They may have difficulty conceiving or give birth to children with disabilities,” she said.

According to psychologist Nguyen Thi Tam (Ho Chi Minh City), developmental psychology defines adulthood as the period between 18 and 35 years old. The most important characteristics of this period are falling in love, establishing intimate relationships with the opposite sex, and building a career. After 30, even with a stable career, without love, people easily fall into a state of loneliness, emptiness, and anxiety. Many people lose interest in striving for success because children are a lasting motivation and a continuing purpose in life.

Thanh Mai understands better than anyone the feeling of loneliness and emptiness during her years of living alone. Being an introvert who preferred taking care of her family, living alone in the city, there were days when she would cook a lavish meal only to leave it untouched. "I longed to have someone to eat with," she said.

As the youngest child in a family where her father is over 80 years old and constantly worried about his daughter not yet having "settled down," she feels guilty. "When I was younger, I thought more about myself, but the older I get, the more I put myself in my parents' shoes and realize how selfish I've been," she admits.

While she doesn't regret spending her youth experiencing new things and prioritizing her career, Nguyen Thi Hanh (55 years old, from Hanoi) regrets getting married and having children late. Successful in her career and always pursued by suitors because of her beauty when she was younger, Hanh never thought she would be "single" until she turned 40.

"My mother said that if I didn't get married, she wouldn't be able to rest in peace," she recounted. Out of love for her mother and with her maternal and wifely instincts kicking in, she panicked, realizing there was no one suitable around her. Hạnh agreed to marry a man who had been married before and was 12 years older than her.

But because they were both older, Hanh lost three children in the first five years of her marriage. Doctors advised them to adopt. Desperate for a child, they continued their search. A miracle happened in their sixth year of marriage when they conceived through in-vitro fertilization.

Now that their son is nine years old, he's less prone to minor illnesses and helps his parents. But the couple is more worried as he enters adolescence, and the generation gap is too wide. Approaching retirement, instead of traveling and enjoying life, they are busy taking their son to and from school every day, reading books to understand his psychology, hoping to raise him to be a good person.

Regretting getting married late

Illustration photo: Time.com

Besides raising his children, Duc Anh also worries about his elderly, ailing mother. "With young children, a frail wife, and an elderly mother to take care of, I sometimes feel completely exhausted," he said.

According to Associate Professor Nguyen Duc Loc of the Institute for Social Life Research, individuals like Duc Anh, who are often the breadwinners for others, face immense pressure. "Having to shoulder the burden of being the pillar of support for others while also needing a support system themselves can lead to mental health crises for many," he once stated.

Besides the positive aspects of marrying later in life, sociologists argue that this trend contributes to the worsening of population aging, putting pressure on the social security system. Because people marry at an older age, many are hesitant to have children, fear having children, or have difficulty conceiving, leading to fewer births. It is predicted that after 2035, for every four people of working age, there will be three people beyond working age supporting their families.

Psychologist, marriage and family expert Tran Kim Thanh, author of the book "5 Simple Steps to a Perfect Relationship," suggests that older people who want to get married but haven't found a suitable partner should lower their standards, reduce their ego, and prioritize understanding and morality.

"Sometimes, we also need to refine ourselves to suit the other person, instead of demanding that they meet our standards," she said.

For people like Mr. Duc Anh, who want to be financially and psychologically prepared before getting married, Ms. Kim Thanh believes that no one can measure how much money is needed for a happy marriage. "Many people find motivation to increase their income after getting married and having children," Ms. Kim Thanh said.

At 37, Thanh Mai has found a suitable partner. Mai plans to prioritize having children and building a family over the next three years. "They say marriage is destiny, but whether it's destiny or not ultimately depends on ourselves," she reflects.