Regret for getting married late

At the age of 31, Thanh Mai suddenly realized that she was "old", hurriedly looking for a life partner, opening her heart to people she didn't like before but still couldn't find the right person.

9 years ago, she broke up with her first love after 5 years of love, so she was afraid of love, afraid of failure, only focused on work, ignoring all opportunities for love.

“When I turned 30, I felt my health getting worse,” admitted Mai, now 37, who works in Hanoi . Every year that passed, she became more impatient. As a professional in the field of sociology, she knew that the best time to have children was between 20 and 35 years old.

Thanh Mai is more open with her former suitors. However, she realizes that those who are similar in age are usually "somehow" or now only have broken hearts.

“The more mature I become, the easier it is to see through others. I see that everyone has problems. Those who don’t have problems can’t be my support. Those who seem okay have families,” said the 37-year-old woman.

Regret for getting married late

Ms. Thanh Mai used to live empty, lonely days because she was over 30 and still had not found a suitable partner to marry. Photo provided by the character

When Duc Anh (40 years old, living in Ho Chi Minh City) was holding his child in the hospital, he received a phone call from a friend informing him that his child had passed the university entrance exam. "My friends are about to retire, so I'm just getting married," said the man who works in the banking sector.

He got married at the age of 37, his wife was 2 years younger than him. To avoid the situation of old parents and young children, he and his wife had two children in three years. But the two children were often sick. After the second child was born, his wife also lost her strength. Many times he had to quit his job to take care of the whole family while he was not in good health. "I should have thought about marriage sooner," Duc Anh said.

Late marriages like Duc Anh and Thanh Mai are not uncommon these days. The General Statistics Office’s population census shows that the average age of marriage in Vietnam has been increasing steadily over the past decades. On average, Vietnamese men got married at the age of 27.9 in 2020, up from 24.4 in 1989. In some large cities like Ho Chi Minh City, the average age of marriage for men is close to 30.

Planning to marry late and not choosing the right partner are said to be part of the reasons why the rate of single Vietnamese people increased from 6.2% in 2004 to 10.1% in 2019.

The main reason for the trend of late marriage among young urban people is the high cost of living and pressure in big cities.

Anh Duc Anh was born into a family of four siblings. His father died early, so he threw himself into work, forgetting his youth and helping his mother take care of his younger siblings' education. "When my siblings had families, I felt financially stable before I dared to get married. I didn't want my children to live in the poverty of their parents," he explained.

Dr. Tran Tuyet Anh, Head of the Family Department (Ministry of Culture, Sports and Tourism) said that late marriage is a trend in many countries, including Vietnam. The advantage of late marriage is that people are mature in their thinking, have a full career, finances, knowledge and are ready to start a family, and are less influenced by living conditions and environment. “However, biologically, after the age of 35, people are prone to physiological and psychological problems, especially women. They may have difficulty having children or give birth to disabled children,” she said.

Psychologist Nguyen Thi Tam (Ho Chi Minh City) said that according to developmental psychology, adulthood is from 18 to 35 years old. The most important characteristics of this period are love, establishing intimate relationships with the opposite sex and building a career. After 30, even if one has a stable career but no love, one can easily fall into a state of loneliness, emptiness and anxiety. Many people do not want to strive because children are a lasting motivation for each person, a continuing purpose in life.

Thanh Mai understands more than anyone the feeling of loneliness and emptiness during her years alone. She is an introvert who likes to take care of her family, but living alone in the city, there were days when she cooked a sumptuous meal but left it there. “I craved someone to eat with,” she said.

As the youngest child in a family with a father over 80 years old, always anxious when his daughter has not "settled down", she feels guilty. "When I was young, I thought more about myself, but as I get older, I often put myself in my parents' shoes and feel selfish", she admitted.

Although she did not regret spending her youth on experiences and prioritizing her career, Nguyen Thi Hanh (55 years old, in Hanoi) regrets getting married and having children late. Successful in her career and always having people pursuing her because of her beauty when she was young, Hanh never thought she would be "single" until she turned 40.

“My mother told me that if I didn’t get married, she would die with her eyes open,” she said. Feeling sorry for her mother and at the age when her instincts as a mother and wife were awakening, she was shocked to realize that there was no one else around her who was suitable. Hanh agreed to be with a man who had been married before and was 12 years older.

But because they were both old, Hanh lost three children in the first five years of their marriage. The doctor advised the couple to adopt a child. Desperate for a child, they continued to search. A miracle happened in the sixth year of their marriage, when they had a child through in vitro fertilization.

Now that their son is 9 years old, he is less sick and knows how to help his parents. But the couple is more worried when their son enters puberty, the generation gap is too big. Soon to retire, instead of traveling here and there to enjoy life, the couple takes care of taking their son to and from school every day, reads books to understand his psychology, hoping to teach him to be a good person.

Regret for getting married late

Illustration: Time.com

In addition to worrying about raising his children, Duc Anh is also worried about his sick and elderly mother. “With young children, a sick wife, and an old mother, I sometimes feel exhausted,” he said.

“Sandwichers” like Duc Anh are under a lot of pressure, according to Associate Professor Nguyen Duc Loc, from the Institute of Social Life Research. “Having to be the pillar of support for others while also needing support, causes many people to have a mental breakdown,” he once said.

In addition to the positive aspects of late marriage, sociologists believe that this trend contributes to the worsening of the aging population, putting pressure on the social security system. Because of the old age of marriage, many people are afraid of giving birth, afraid of giving birth or have difficulty giving birth, so they have fewer children. It is predicted that after 2035, every 4 people of working age will have to support 3 people outside of working age.

Psychologist, marriage and family expert Tran Kim Thanh, author of the book 5 Simple Steps to a Perfect Relationship, believes that older people who want to get married but have not found the right partner should lower their standards, lower their ego, and put the criteria of knowledge and morality first.

“Sometimes, we need to hone ourselves to suit the other person, instead of demanding that they meet our standards,” she said.

For people like Duc Anh, who want to prepare financially and mentally before getting married, Ms. Kim Thanh believes that no one can measure how much money a happy marriage needs. "Many people, thanks to getting married and having children, have the motivation to increase their income," Ms. Kim Thanh said.

At the age of 37, Thanh Mai has found a suitable man at present. Mai plans to spend the next three years prioritizing having children and taking care of her family. “People say that marriage is fate, but whether or not fate is still up to you,” she realized.