Don't make us "be parents for the second time"

An elderly woman tells her story on behalf of the grandparents' generation when the younger generation complains about not helping to look after their grandchildren.

Over the decades, the concept of “grandparenting” has changed significantly, although misconceptions remain. For example, grandparents “have a responsibility” to care for and educate their grandchildren.

Nowadays, parents who have become grandparents live a much more modern life. Some work past retirement age, some travel frequently or participate in recreational and social activities for the elderly... In general, they are very different from the past because they do not want to just stay at home "being parents for the second time" with their little grandchildren.

Recently, Marcia Kester Doyle, an elderly woman, told her own story on behalf of the grandparents' generation when the younger generation complained about not helping their grandchildren.

So you see, in any situation, you should put yourself in other people's shoes to consider.

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"My mother was willing to babysit when my children were young, but my father had other plans. He loved going out on the town and was not willing to sacrifice a quiet evening at a five-star restaurant to babysit my children. My parents' house was like a miniature art museum, with many valuable objects on display that could be mistaken for toys by curious little fingers.

In contrast to my biological father, my in-laws would love to take care of their grandchildren, but unfortunately they live thousands of kilometers away.

In the end, I had to accept the inevitable: My parents were happy to be with the grandchildren, but only if my husband and I were present. In short, they didn’t want to have to care for the grandchildren without us.

Finally, when I questioned my dad's lack of childcare, he insisted that he had fulfilled his parental duties in raising me (and my siblings) and had no obligation to help raise any more grandchildren.

My dad admitted that he wasn't comfortable with babies and toddlers. They were too loud and disruptive. He would help with the parenting when they were older. His confession really put me at ease. The truth is, he loved my kids; he just wasn't comfortable with the chaos of babysitting when they were younger."

Why do many grandparents not want to help their children take care of their grandchildren?

"Some grandparents may resent being thrust into the childcare role when they feel it's time to enjoy a stage in their lives where they can freely pursue other interests," says clinical psychologist Barbara Greenberg. "Others may feel that at their age, caring for young children is too tiring and overwhelming."

This is especially true when dealing with a naughty or fussy grandchild.

Marcia Kester Doyle continues her story: "I must confess that when I became a grandmother for the first time, I was not ready.

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In fact, I dreaded the responsibilities of being a grandmother. My daughter lived a few hours away, so regular babysitting wasn’t an option. But a few years later, when my daughter moved back home, she needed help.

My first instinct was to help in any way I could, beyond babysitting. I did this mainly out of fear. My niece was going through a “meltdown” phase. She cried uncontrollably every time her mother left the room.

Unable to coax my grandchild, I felt frustrated and useless as a grandparent, which led to the decision to stop babysitting.

But one day, after my niece's 3rd birthday, I spent a few hours alone with her, doing crafts and watching fun toddler videos on YouTube.

She almost always sat on my lap and snuggled up against me, her little arms wrapped around me. We laughed and played all afternoon.

That special time broke down the fear barrier that prevented me from enjoying happy moments with my grandchild. After that, I was happy to babysit whenever I could. All grandparents need to do is 're-acquaint' themselves with dealing with a crying baby after more than 20 years without having to care for a small child."

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Not looking after your grandchildren means you don't love them?

There are many reasons why some grandparents shy away from babysitting, but it's certainly never because of "lack of love for grandchildren."

My generation is used to busy schedules and being active in society, so it would be wrong to assume that all grandparents have to spend most of their old age looking after their grandchildren.

Even if you have a close relationship with your parents, this does not guarantee that they will play an active role in your child's life.

Additionally, forcing them to babysit can create resentment and hurt feelings. This is especially true for parents who rarely reach out to their grandparents except when they need help. When grandparents feel unappreciated, they are less likely to be willing to help out with their grandchildren.

Another reason grandparents may decline to care for their grandchildren is because of health issues or they may no longer be able to keep up with a hyperactive child. Or they may be dealing with an illness – or even taking a medication that makes them tired.

Figuring out the reasons behind grandparents' reluctance to babysit is a delicate balancing act, says psychologist Greenberg.

“Approach them calmly and without judgment,” she advises. She adds, avoiding comparing them to other grandparents you know “who may be more engaged in caring for their grandchild. This will benefit everyone, so resentment and misunderstandings don’t become an issue.”

Ultimately, young people should be “open and straightforward” about their wishes and give their parents “time and space to respond,” Greenberg said.

You can also consider new ways to involve grandparents in the kids' lives by choosing activities that interest them: children's museums with interactive exhibits, weekly family dinners, movie nights at home, gardening, picnics in the park, or even a family vacation together.

Bringing family members together can take time, but it starts with having that all-important conversation, finding compromise, and being patient.

Source: https://giadinh.suckhoedoisong.vn/noi-niem-cua-nhung-nguoi-ong-ba-bi-chi-trich-khong-cham-chau-giup-la-khong-thuong-con-chau-dung-bat-chung-toi-phai-lam-cha-me-lan-2-172250108152410382.htm