3 trays of gifts and 3 million dowry: Shouldn't the bride ask for a dowry?

Screenshot from Southern Living

The article "Wedding procession with only 3 trays, 3 million VND dowry, bride's family stunned" published on Tuoi Tre Online received some reader feedback, divided into two camps of opinion.

Some defended her, others criticized her, when the bride recounted how, on her wedding day, she and her family were utterly astonished and furious, even nearly canceling the wedding, when the groom's family only brought three trays of gifts, 3 million dong in dowry (also known as the bride price or black ceremony), and one gold bar.

This is quite different from the previous agreement between the two sides, because during the engagement ceremony, the groom had promised to bring a dowry consisting of 9 trays, 50 million dong, and 2 gold bars.

And the decision to reduce the number of wedding gifts was the groom's mother's idea, made right before the wedding ceremony. She believed it would save money, and she would keep the remaining gifts for her son.

There's quite a bit of debate surrounding this.

Don't demand too much; happiness is enough.

A user named "Equality" argued that it's best not to accept any gifts, as a gift is a debt. "In this era of gender equality, women shouldn't demand too much. As for pride and maintaining appearances, how much is enough? One family looks at another and demands to be equal or better. That's showing off, and it's ugly, not beautiful at all," this reader wrote.

Reader Thu Huong commented that elaborate wedding ceremonies, wedding gifts, and money are all meaningless. What matters is whether the two people love each other and are willing to work together to build a happy future.

She recounted that her wedding was a small affair, without any elaborate wedding gifts or dowry arrangements, and there was no traditional bridal procession. "After the wedding, my husband and I went back to work the very next day. It's been 22 years now and we're still happy, able to buy whatever we like, and our children are well-behaved," she wrote.

Sharing her own story, Ms. Tran Tuyen said that the girl in the story is still happy because she has a loving husband. She recounted that her wedding only had 4 trays of gifts and 5 million VND, and she even had to use her own ring to make the wedding ring.

"After the wedding, my husband's family took back my motorbike, so he used mine to ride, and I walked, or sometimes borrowed a colleague's motorbike. When we bought land to build a house, my husband's family only gave us a meager 10 taels of gold, and they gave it to us in small installments, not all at once. I thought, 'Oh well, let people treat me however they want, I'll just live well with everyone and live happily, and God will surely see,'" she said.

Two male readers , Pham Duc Thuan and LCH, commented that one shouldn't place too much emphasis on wedding gifts or worry about what outsiders say; what matters is that the couple lives happily together.

"Fifteen years ago, at my wedding, I didn't even know there was a 'black money' ceremony. When I arrived and asked, I didn't have any money with me, so I just threw in 1 million VND to make it happen, and nobody said anything. The gossip is just people overthinking things and making things difficult for themselves; nobody has the time to ask why the 'black money' ceremony was so small."

Some people say it's tactless, but if the two families don't discuss the matter, why should outsiders comment? As long as the couple is happy, that's all that matters. We live for ourselves, not for others to see, so why should we suffer over unnecessary things?" wrote Pham Duc Thuan.

"Sixteen years ago, my parents also brought 3 trays of gifts plus 2 million VND to the bride's family, while normally it would be 5, 7, 9, or even 11 trays. However, my wife's parents happily accepted them, and we have been happily married ever since. Don't be too concerned about such gifts and let them affect the happiness of a couple," LCH wrote.

Etiquette can be reduced, but don't break your promise.

Conversely, reader Duy commented that the mother-in-law was at fault in the story, as she broke her promise even after already holding the grandchild. Everything should be discussed and agreed upon; one cannot simply do whatever they want.

Sharing the same viewpoint, reader Vu Nguyen stated that etiquette can be moderated or adjusted, but it must be discussed and agreed upon. After reaching an agreement, it should be followed correctly to demonstrate sincerity.

"In my hometown, on the wedding day, the groom's family must fulfill 100% of the bride's family's requests to show sincerity and gratitude for the efforts and money the bride's family has invested in raising their daughter for decades," Phan Trong Chinh stated.

From the perspective of an older person, reader Pham Thiet Hung said that before the wedding, on the engagement ceremony (also known as the pre-wedding ceremony), the number of items, money, dates, and times for receiving guests were all clearly agreed upon through the children, so that there would be no bargaining or arguments on the wedding day.

When the wedding day arrives, the groom's family must fulfill all agreements made with the bride's family. "Absolutely no changes or omissions are allowed, such as reducing the number of wedding gifts, cutting back on the money in the envelopes, or pretending to give gold to the bride as collateral, then having the groom's family keep it for safekeeping and never returning it. All such actions will cause discord between the two families, and the children will never be happy," this reader emphasized.

Expressing his thoughts, user Oscar Khuong wrote: "It seems to me that the husband's family doesn't value their daughter-in-law. Just the 'mother is keeping the money for you' thing is classic. It would be more acceptable to say, 'Sorry, children, we're poor and can only afford this much.' The husband's role needs to be mentioned; he also seems immature."

In addition, this reader also stated that nowadays everyone prefers democracy and modernity. Tradition only comes up when it comes to money and needing parental help. "Now that you're grown up, you should be able to get married and have children, so you should earn money to pay for your own wedding."

Source: https://tuoitre.vn/ruoc-dau-3-trap-with-3-million-money-challenge-the-bride-should-she-not-demand-birth-ceremony-or-why-20240510190259251.htm